[with a vague scoff in her voice:] Why, indeed. I could write novels on that for all the good it does.
[she shakes her head, looking back over, fresh tracks for tears streaking her cheeks, unchecked, even as she keeps her stoic countenance. eyes betray everything, though.]
Darin, telling you those sorts of things will add nothing but burden to you. Do you think I wish to do that?
[his laugh makes her ears burn and her pulse quicken again. despite everything, despite her mindful efforts to be above her feelings, she sure as hell is in them.
she kind of deserves it, considering the hubris she had in bringing him in here.
she keeps her head turned as she listens to him, unmoving.
So...I guess I owe you two debts today. One for pulling me out of the rain so I can warm up and one for...well, helping me to remember that I'm me, no matter where I am.
[He looks her way, offering a smile, when he notices she's not looking at him. Something stirs inside of him and before he's realized it, he's craning his neck around to offer her an affectionate kiss on her cheek.]
And one more for making me realize that...maybe there's more to this world than working all the time. That I'm not always alone.
[so much for being statue still; that "and one more" part gets drowned out by Cece's brain immediately set into overload as she goes bright red, eyes wide as she whips her head around to gape at him.]
Ha-hhow-how are-?! Y-! Don't! Patronize me like that!
[she grimaces, needing to swallow against a pain in her throat.]
But you don't even...know me.
[there's the rub, right? she gets to stand around remembering while no one else does -- even people she cares about. loves, even! she wasn't supposed to wind up like this -- she's only half an elf. but life and circumstance has led her to outliving her elvish kin twofold, and her with none of the hereditary tricks to cope with a long memory and burdened heart.
she bites the inside of her cheek to keep another outburst in check, shaking her head.]
No. No, that may as well be so. So be it. That may be all I can do, then, and at least that's... [eugh. she huffs feebly, unable to finish that miserable thought, hating the very notion.]
[gods damn her voice and the stupid little waver in it; she can't stand the frailty it conveys. as if to compensate for her sake, the flames in the heart heave a bit before settling back to its natural state.]
That isn't...very fair. Actually, it isn't fair at all. Don't you realize that?
then recoils to pinch the bridge of her nose and wipe at her face.
he hasn't changed and he's still so stupid.]
Because. [...] Because, it... [...........nrgh. she pinches a little harder, until it hurts, then straightens, head up, hands tightly folding in her lap. be a goddamn elf.]
Because...it puts the burden of expectation on you. Unduly. As I already have... [BE AN ELF!!!] Feelings. In your regard. The dynamic is unbalanced. I tell you, I will not bear the weight of an apology for you simply not knowing anything you weren't meant to know, regardless of what I may want.
[her eyes narrow. she'd say try me, bitch but she really doesn't want him to try, she's having a hard time here, why can't he put a shirt on.]
Quite a bold assumption for someone under the thumb of a would-be emperor. It stands as much to reason I'll have to watch you vanish yet again, no longer safely detached.
[well, there's the last of her patience and restraint. there it goes. bye.
while tugging to get her hand free:] It's wrong because I LOVE YOU, you thick-headed buffoon! [yank. oh and the tears, those are back.] And it isn't fair to you, because you do not know me! And it isn't fair to me! To play pretend by, by preying on you! I'm too old! [another tug.] Too old for this! For playing around! For make-believe!
[one more feeble tug before she gives up, heavily slumping back to the ground on her knees, her head falling into her free hand as she squeaks out a sob.]
[Those words hit harder than her magic ever did, and the stunned silence speaks for itself. She loved him? Him?]
[No one had ever spoken those words to him before. Not in the way she meant them anyway. And then there she was...sobbing into her one free hand...]
[Dumbly he looks down at her hand in his, small and delicate by comparison. Lady-like despite the scales. He finds himself tracing them with a thumb, calloused finger to rough scales.]
[It didn't feel so bad...really.]
[When he snaps himself from his thoughts, he peers at her from behind his bangs. There was a lot he didn't know. There was a lot he wasn't sure he'd ever know. But he knew that right now, seeing this beautiful woman so distraught, over him no less, hurt his heart to its very core.]
[He takes her hand, still in his, and lifts it to place her palm gently on his cheek.]
...I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I've...if I've hurt you or made you feel something you didn't want to. I don't...I really don't like hurting people.
And...if it's all the same to you...I'd like to learn about the person you fell for. To find out if that person exists somewhere within me. Because if he does...
[He places his hand firmly over hers.]
...No one deserves to be alone forever. It's no fun. Trust me.
[it's humiliating; she's worked very, very hard all these years to build up a resistance to tears -- tears that others can see or take advantage of -- and yet they spilled so freely and without provocation before she could even feel it happen.
sleeping grief is a trait from the elvish part of her heritage, one designed for creatures that live far longer than most in order that they may bear the weight of long memories without utterly ruining their hearts with it. it's how the long-lived races of her land could handle rapid changes, devastation, love and loss...because they still feel the pain as any mortal can, even though their bodies force them to go on. instead of becoming hollowed out shells, however, their grief is buried and gradually vented in ways much less harmful to them: they can weep so beautifully without feeling the full effect of sorrow on their bodies; it makes their songs take on more emotive states than that of other races.
she's only half an elf, so that blessing isn't hers to grasp, even though she's found herself living many times over her natural lifespan thanks to planeswalking. it means carrying all the hurts and loss as any mortal would, and it's exhausting.
her only solace now is that she isn't able to let some injuries fully set and heal over to make tearing them open worse; it's still raw in regard to Darin and the people she loved so much as a girl in that other world.
worse, though, is how it feels to have the warmth of his hand over hers as he speaks so damn earnestly for her sake, full well knowing that despite that:] You're not...mine to have, Darin. You never were.
You said it yourself...the possibility that some variant of me exists in multitudes across time and space? Unless someone or something out there decides they want to monopolize me, the way I see it?
I'm here now.
With you.
And I'm guessing this feeling I've got bubbling up in my chest is one of happiness and it's one I haven't felt so keenly in awhile.
[she shakes her head while he speaks, unable to voice what's running in her head to argue. he doesn't get it because he doesn't know, because he doesn't know her, and it's not fair in the slightest. how hard is that to understand? what's there to cry about, really? it is what it is.
except she does, in fact, want very much to be reassured and wanted like this, despite the cost of being left behind yet again.
you know, like an idiot.]
Idiot...! [all company included.
still doubled over, she lifts her head, her hand still stifling anguish as she looks up and sees him looking like that -- not an ounce of irony, awareness, or cynicism.]
After everything...why would you still...keep coming back?
[if her hand weren't already captive, she'd slap him for that.
instead, she scoffs, using that grip as leverage to pull herself up.]
Idiot!
[she says but she's still falling in to kiss him, because fuck it, right? she's already messed up so magnificently, and if he's going to get away with spouting lines like that, she's not going to be left completely empty-handed.]
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[she shakes her head, looking back over, fresh tracks for tears streaking her cheeks, unchecked, even as she keeps her stoic countenance. eyes betray everything, though.]
Darin, telling you those sorts of things will add nothing but burden to you. Do you think I wish to do that?
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[He offers a lopsided smile.]
Seriously...you should open up more. Loosen up.
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You never change.
[it's both wonderful and terrible and she kind of wants to die.]
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[Before either of them realizes, he busts out laughing. It's a hearty, pleasant laugh; almost relieved.]
...Ah man, Lady Ardenbury, you have no idea how much I needed that.
If I never change that means nothing's different about me now. It means I'm not messed up or anything...!
Besides...I guess that just means I don't know how to be anyone else but me. So...thanks for reminding me of that...
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she kind of deserves it, considering the hubris she had in bringing him in here.
she keeps her head turned as she listens to him, unmoving.
quietly:] Of course.
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[He looks her way, offering a smile, when he notices she's not looking at him. Something stirs inside of him and before he's realized it, he's craning his neck around to offer her an affectionate kiss on her cheek.]
And one more for making me realize that...maybe there's more to this world than working all the time. That I'm not always alone.
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Ha-hhow-how are-?! Y-! Don't! Patronize me like that!
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Having someone who knows me here? Knows the real me?
It's...comforting.
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[she grimaces, needing to swallow against a pain in her throat.]
But you don't even...know me.
[there's the rub, right? she gets to stand around remembering while no one else does -- even people she cares about. loves, even! she wasn't supposed to wind up like this -- she's only half an elf. but life and circumstance has led her to outliving her elvish kin twofold, and her with none of the hereditary tricks to cope with a long memory and burdened heart.
she bites the inside of her cheek to keep another outburst in check, shaking her head.]
No. No, that may as well be so. So be it. That may be all I can do, then, and at least that's... [eugh. she huffs feebly, unable to finish that miserable thought, hating the very notion.]
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You're right...I don't know you.
But...I'd very much like the opportunity to get to...
[There he goes again with that almost lethal level of earnestness in his voice and displayed all over his face.]
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[gods damn her voice and the stupid little waver in it; she can't stand the frailty it conveys. as if to compensate for her sake, the flames in the heart heave a bit before settling back to its natural state.]
That isn't...very fair. Actually, it isn't fair at all. Don't you realize that?
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What's wrong?
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then closes it.
then recoils to pinch the bridge of her nose and wipe at her face.
he hasn't changed and he's still so stupid.]
Because. [...] Because, it... [...........nrgh. she pinches a little harder, until it hurts, then straightens, head up, hands tightly folding in her lap. be a goddamn elf.]
Because...it puts the burden of expectation on you. Unduly. As I already have... [BE AN ELF!!!] Feelings. In your regard. The dynamic is unbalanced. I tell you, I will not bear the weight of an apology for you simply not knowing anything you weren't meant to know, regardless of what I may want.
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To which I counter with...if I were so dear to you once, and I'm roughly the same in every incarnation...
Then it stands to reason I'd like you just fine. More than fine, really.
[He leans back and rests his chin in his hand, watching her with a smug little smile.]
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Quite a bold assumption for someone under the thumb of a would-be emperor. It stands as much to reason I'll have to watch you vanish yet again, no longer safely detached.
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I'd rather spend a day getting to know you than a lifetime of wondering would could have been.
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while bringing a hand to her face:] Gods...dammit, you. You keep saying such things without realizing how much they...!
[she balls her hand into a fist, pressing the heel of her hand against her face for a moment before sucking in a breath through her teeth.]
I don't. Get. Luxuries like this. And I was wrong to entertain the notion. I'm sorry.
[she shifts and pushes herself up to her feet, collecting the towel she'd been sat upon.]
None of it is fair. But I shouldn't. Expect it to be. No one should. It's...just how it is.
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You don't get these luxuries because I'm willing to bet you don't allow yourself to have them.
...What's wrong with just sitting here and talking by the fire?
[He laughs a bit.]
Am I really that obnoxious and annoying?
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while tugging to get her hand free:] It's wrong because I LOVE YOU, you thick-headed buffoon! [yank. oh and the tears, those are back.] And it isn't fair to you, because you do not know me! And it isn't fair to me! To play pretend by, by preying on you! I'm too old! [another tug.] Too old for this! For playing around! For make-believe!
[one more feeble tug before she gives up, heavily slumping back to the ground on her knees, her head falling into her free hand as she squeaks out a sob.]
It's not fair...!
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[No one had ever spoken those words to him before. Not in the way she meant them anyway. And then there she was...sobbing into her one free hand...]
[Dumbly he looks down at her hand in his, small and delicate by comparison. Lady-like despite the scales. He finds himself tracing them with a thumb, calloused finger to rough scales.]
[It didn't feel so bad...really.]
[When he snaps himself from his thoughts, he peers at her from behind his bangs. There was a lot he didn't know. There was a lot he wasn't sure he'd ever know. But he knew that right now, seeing this beautiful woman so distraught, over him no less, hurt his heart to its very core.]
[He takes her hand, still in his, and lifts it to place her palm gently on his cheek.]
...I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I've...if I've hurt you or made you feel something you didn't want to. I don't...I really don't like hurting people.
And...if it's all the same to you...I'd like to learn about the person you fell for. To find out if that person exists somewhere within me. Because if he does...
[He places his hand firmly over hers.]
...No one deserves to be alone forever. It's no fun. Trust me.
no subject
sleeping grief is a trait from the elvish part of her heritage, one designed for creatures that live far longer than most in order that they may bear the weight of long memories without utterly ruining their hearts with it. it's how the long-lived races of her land could handle rapid changes, devastation, love and loss...because they still feel the pain as any mortal can, even though their bodies force them to go on. instead of becoming hollowed out shells, however, their grief is buried and gradually vented in ways much less harmful to them: they can weep so beautifully without feeling the full effect of sorrow on their bodies; it makes their songs take on more emotive states than that of other races.
she's only half an elf, so that blessing isn't hers to grasp, even though she's found herself living many times over her natural lifespan thanks to planeswalking. it means carrying all the hurts and loss as any mortal would, and it's exhausting.
her only solace now is that she isn't able to let some injuries fully set and heal over to make tearing them open worse; it's still raw in regard to Darin and the people she loved so much as a girl in that other world.
worse, though, is how it feels to have the warmth of his hand over hers as he speaks so damn earnestly for her sake, full well knowing that despite that:] You're not...mine to have, Darin. You never were.
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You said it yourself...the possibility that some variant of me exists in multitudes across time and space? Unless someone or something out there decides they want to monopolize me, the way I see it?
I'm here now.
With you.
And I'm guessing this feeling I've got bubbling up in my chest is one of happiness and it's one I haven't felt so keenly in awhile.
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except she does, in fact, want very much to be reassured and wanted like this, despite the cost of being left behind yet again.
you know, like an idiot.]
Idiot...! [all company included.
still doubled over, she lifts her head, her hand still stifling anguish as she looks up and sees him looking like that -- not an ounce of irony, awareness, or cynicism.]
After everything...why would you still...keep coming back?
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Because before I wound up here, as Master Skywalkers peacekeeper...
I was a blacksmith.
And a good blacksmith is useless without the right fire.
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instead, she scoffs, using that grip as leverage to pull herself up.]
Idiot!
[she says but she's still falling in to kiss him, because fuck it, right? she's already messed up so magnificently, and if he's going to get away with spouting lines like that, she's not going to be left completely empty-handed.]
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